When Your Mate Hates to Travel: Solo Travel for Women

“Why go to Venice when I can see it on TV?”

You dream of romantic travel destinations….or any destinations, but your significant other prefers a comfortable couch. Can you live with it?

Some people simply don’t want to explore the state/country/continent/world. As one such person said on a social media site:

“I’m sure that there are guys who love to travel but in my experience most of my male friends don’t care about going to Paris just to eat a plate of snails, if you know what I mean.”

Of course, this is not just a male/female issue. There are many women who are just as happy to stay close to home and socialize with friends and family. However, most responses on social media were from women, who were itching to take off, and their significant others, who were resistant.

Why some people want to hold the remote as opposed to being remote

Fear of the unknown

Not knowing how to communicate or what customs may in a different in another culture can be frightening, or, at the least, can make someone with little travel savvy uncomfortable. People who like to have control over their lives or their mates’ lives may feel challenged by being abroad.

Health issues (real and imagined)

Keeping oneself healthy on the road is certainly more difficult than it is back home, especially in countries where street food and water may cause illness. 

As some respondents wrote:

“My digestion and sleep patterns are thrown off if I cross time zones.”

“I can’t get the food that I am used to. Often, I can’t exercise. So my metabolism is affected.”

“In many countries, the air is not clean and neither is the water.”

Missing work

People may also have jobs or careers where taking vacation time is not an option. Perhaps they should be reminded that studies have found that going on vacation may improve one’s health (less stress and better mental health) and therefore productivity.

Too expensive

Some people think that travel just costs too much money. A trip can cost at least as much as an 82-inch television, which your mate may prefer to hiking the foothills of the Himalayas.

Lack of curiosity or inspiration

When a mate cannot imagine touring a castle or visiting a battlefield….or anywhere else.

One person wrote, “To me it is a chore to open suitcases and to pack them… I can’t stand it.”

Travel as constant hassle

While it is also true that airports and train stations are breeding grounds for frustration, true travelers either believe that the hassle is worth it or they develop the ability to make their peace with chaos. I interviewed a Tibetan monk about the travails of travel, and he recommended meditation, of course.

But some non-travelers have strong opinions that you can be pretty sure meditation can’t cure: 

“Traveling these days has become pure hassle with all the stupid laws and regulations and government paranoia. Just stay in your place, seriously.”

Lack of need to wander

As difficult as it may be for true travelers to imagine, some people just don’t have the wandering gene. Respondents on social media have written:

“Traveling is for people who want to run away from their everyday life.”

“The fact is there are many wonderful experiences one can get in life without traveling.” 

Travel is oxygen to those with wanderlust

In an informal poll on social media, I found that attitudes about how to travel—and the need for travel in one’s life—are often right up there along with money, parenting, and work as subjects for contention in a marriage or partnership.

On the other side, people who love to travel have strong feelings as well:

“Anyone who doesn’t like to travel is a weirdo.”

‪”I like traveling by myself, so it could be a plus if he doesn’t want to go with me.”

Another woman wrote that lack of common travel goals was symptomatic of other differences in a relationship: 

“A lot of things turned out to be WAY more important than just his surface dislike of traveling (i.e. lack of curiosity, not being open to new cultures, having different opinions on how to spend money, etc.)” 

“He hated how I fell in love with places time and time again.”

Younger female travelers vs. long-time mates

The fact that younger women seemed to be less tolerant of being with someone who doesn’t travel makes sense, because early in a relationship there is still a choice whether someone can just get used to the differences or to leave the relationship. Of the respondents who wanted to remain in such a relationship, several wrote that there were other qualities in their mates that were more important than the travel gene. 

While most of the people who responded were women writing about their boyfriends or husbands, there are certainly men who want to travel more than do their mates. As one male respondent wrote, “She is happy when I take off and it gets me out of her hair for a few weeks.”  

Freedom to wander solo

Many couples work out their differences about the travel bug. A major problem arises if one person hates to travel but doesn’t want the other one to go either.

“I feel as though I am in prison,” wrote one respondent.

Love Beach!/Hate Beach!

Travel vs. Hate Travel is only one area of contention. Another area for potential disagreement is when a couple has a different style of travel or desires a different destination.

His idea of heaven is lying on a beach in the sun. You hate sand. He likes a glass of wine in an expensive restaurant. You love bread and cheese under a tree in the French countryside. He sleeps like he is drugged until 10:00 a.m. You are chomping at the bit at 6:30 a.m.—and then comatose at night. Perhaps taking turns on destinations or splitting a trip into parts might lessen the conflict. 

Some tips on ways to deal with a mate who doesn’t want to travel (or go where you want to go)

Travel separately

You’ll have great stories to tell and possibly miss each other. If you don’t, ponder the relationship further.

You travel, he/she relaxes at home

Several respondents saw this as a good alternative: “I’d rather travel alone than not at all.” As long as both partners agree, this is perhaps easiest answer way to attain inner and outer peace.

Find out why your mate doesn’t like to travel

Good, in-depth conversations about what a non-travelers is feeling may result in changing attitudes. Maybe your mate is frightened and doesn’t know how to maneuver a new city. Perhaps appearing less than competent during travel is humiliating. Lots of travel research and careful planning—-and just doing it—may make insecurities disappear.

Guilt your mate into going with you

This may work temporarily and, for some, a significant other may even find travel enjoyable. If it doesn’t work, however, shared misery might result.

Change their minds by changing destinations

You can try taking turns with travel destinations—a weekend in the mountains, then two weeks in Provence. Is there anyway your mate wants to go other than to Costco? 

Inspire them to travel

Someone suggested the Michael Palin television series (collected in Travels with Palin and including Around the World in 80 Days). If your mate is a reader, get some books that inspire travel (some are listed in thebabybloomer.blog)

Take baby steps and go for a short trip based on his or her interests

A successful weekend hike or historic site can help pave the way for the farther shores.

Get him/her a shrink (and maybe one for you, too)

Let someone else help figure it out. Some people might benefit from professional help, including this person:

“I’m not coming back relaxed or happy or satisfied because I’m going to be on high alert for all the douchebags.” 

Find another mate

As one guy wrote:

“Help! I’m married to Carmen Sandiego.” This may not be fixable.

Cajole, argue, barter, threaten, promise (see Guilt your mate above)

Again, may have short-term benefits. May lead to split or divorce.

Suffer

Maybe your mate has a lot of other good qualities, and you prefer to live with the non-traveler you love rather than another who may love to travel but is challenged in other areas of life.

My parents would never have considered traveling alone. They were married for 71 years and took one trip to Europe on a tour—together, of course. Thankfully, times have changed—although on my last solo trip a woman asked me if my husband “allowed me” to travel alone. What he likes about me, I said, is that I am interested in the world. And he understands that the world does not exclude him.